So, you want to bet on the Super Bowl.

First off, welcome to the party! It’s great to have you!

The Super Bowl is the premier betting event of the year, with a menu so expansive it’d make the Cheesecake Factory blush. The options can be a little overwhelming, so I’m here to help guide you in the right direction.

We’ll break these bets up into two categories: ‘dumb’ bets for entertainment and the bets I think (and hope) are smart.

Disclaimer: In case the title didn’t make it abundantly clear, these bets are dumb and for entertainment! They’re dumb because there’s no edge to be gained by betting them. But that doesn’t mean they can’t be insanely fun!

Think of it like going to a movie. You pay $20 to see the movie, but when it’s over, you don’t get your money back. That might happen with some of these! And that’s okay! As long as you have the right mindset going in. 

We’ll get to some on-field bets in a moment, but first, the dumb bets for entertainment!

Betting the coin toss — a 50/50 proposition — with a vig attached — is very dumb. But it’s also maybe the most fun bet I place every year. The buildup is intense, and it’s over in moments. (Insert whatever dirty joke you want here). 

I choose to bet tails because of the inexorable scientific principle of “tails never fails.”

Unless it’s heads, and it does.

By the time rehearsals are over, people may know the actual order of Rihanna’s halftime setlist. But until then, let’s speculate!

“Please Don’t Stop The Music” is a great tone setter, both musically and also thematically. The music will not, in fact, stop, at least until the time allotted is up and Rihanna is no longer being paid millions of dollars to perform. Then, it will most certainly stop. Who wants to work for free?

“Diamonds” makes sense to me as a final song. The message of the song — to shine bright like a diamond, or whatever — is a positive note for the show to end on.

Do you disagree with my choices? You probably do!

And here’s what makes America great, despite consternation otherwise: it’s a free country! Bet what you want! I could be way wrong here! It’s a dumb bet for entertainment!

Let’s give out some actual game bets, shall we?

In the lead up to the game, there will be a lot of talk about a potential defensive player winning MVP. This can, of course, happen, but it’s unlikely. The Eagles and Chiefs both have high-powered offenses and have been defined by quarterback play. And the total of the game (the expected points scored) is quite high, meaning it’s hard to imagine a defensive player making the requisite impact. It’s not impossible, but I believe it to be unlikely.

Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce is where I’d go if I wanted to pivot away from the two quarterbacks. He might be the best tight end ever, he should eat against a suspect middle-of-the-field Philadelphia defense, and Patrick Mahomes has already won a Super Bowl MVP.

If you don’t want to play Mahomes or Hurts, Kelce makes the most sense as Super Bowl MVP.

The Eagles are one of the best first half teams in recent memory. They race out to leads, and sometimes get bored or something and allow teams to come back.  

Philly should have the advantage in the trenches on both sides of the ball. And early in the game, I think the manifests in the Eagles getting out to an early lead. 

Once the game gets into the second half, the singular greatness of Patrick Mahomes could (and probably will) take over. 

But before then? I think the Eagles have the advantage.

I know, I know.

Two high-powered offenses.

Two MVP candidates at quarterback. 

And we’re betting the…under?!?!

Yes. Yes, we are.

Kansas City won’t be able to lightning strike down the field, not with Philadelphia’s two excellent boundary cornerbacks. But I do think the Chiefs will be able to sustain long drives. 

Conversely, the Eagles offense may have to be more methodical if Jalen Hurts’ connection with AJ Brown and DeVonta Smith isn’t operating at peak efficiency.

This could all add up to the game being lower scoring than expected. 

This is just my opinion. And what the hell do I know?

Enjoy the game! Wishing everyone minimal sweats, winning bets and the absolute very best of luck!